An Open Letter

Dear family, friends, associates, and strangers,

I have not written in my blog for quite sometime.  Before I continue, I need to get something off my chest.

I have a confession to make: I hate not being in control.  I am sure that many of my friends and family are snickering as they read that last statement.

I have another confession to make:  I hate being drunk.  Not the "whee I'm having fun" tipsy drunk, but STUPID drunk.

My birthday was last weekend, and I have had this pit in my stomach all week over my behavior.  Many have just laughed it off, but others I can tell were turned off.  Even to the point, that walls are back up.

In my life, I try to to live without regrets.  The level of intoxication I had last week, was a regret.  I missed out on many fun things that could have happened.  Did other fun things happen instead? Sure.  There were some fun moments in there ... but some that I look back on and think "what the heck was I thinking".

So before I go any further with this letter, I want to tell those who were taken aback by my behavior: I am truly sorry.

I am especially sorry to those who I turned off with my rudeness and obnoxiousness.
I have met some extraordinary people in the recent years, and I would hate to jeopardize my relationships because of one night of stupid choices.  I am almost relieved those who did not get the notice about the bar change did not show up - so they did not see me in my rare form.  To those who did see me, thank you.  I appreciate you helping me celebrate (even if it was hard at points) my birthday.

I wish to reach out to hopefully a particular reader - if you're reading this ... I want to let you know that I am deeply sorry.  Not to get all sappy and crap, but I actually care about your opinion of me more than others.  More than people I have known for years.  In this short time, I have felt something that I haven't felt with many.  The ease of being able to just share my emotions and thoughts come easier when talking with you - it has helped me a great deal as I go through some of the roughest moments of my life.  I know you're guarded and unsure ... but I assure you that side of me you saw, will never come back out.  She was a reminder of what I don't want to be.  Obnoxious drunk Nikki is officially dead to me.

I'll be honest - am I done drinking?  No - of course not.  Because I know I am not this person that came out last weekend.  I am a responsible adult, who had a night of bad judgement (when it came to my drinking and limits).  I have shared bottles of wine and beer amongst friends and been fine.  I have had mixed beverages on a night out, and woken up the next morning just fine.

I am only human.  Being human means I am allowed to feel remorse and embarrassment.  This is how I feel, and being an adult I'm owning up to it and moving on.

This will be the last time I talk about this, and will only look forward to the future.

It's funny how God works sometimes - I'm tired of ignoring His signs, and my gut feelings.  It is time to grow, be successful and excel at this life given to me.

I thank each and everyone of you who has stuck by me through thick and thin - you are the reason why I am who I am today.  I will only be stronger because of my experiences.

I hope you'll continue to follow me as I continue on this crazy journey we call life.

Thank you again,

Nikki
Be The Thermostat | Not The Thermometer