Support, love and understanding.

In the last few days I have seen and heard a huge amount of support for my decision.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, it is a decision that I mulled over for a long time and didn't come to easily.

Yet for every 9 positive remarks there is 1 negative. I knew this was a risk by sharing my journey with others. I still feel that sharing is the right choice though, as it is a way to keep me honest and on track. It also can prove to be educational and possibly motivating to someone else.

It is easy to let people and their comments get under your skin. I am guilty of this, and I am sure I will have more negative feedback (even from people I didn't expect to).

This is my journey. And at the end of the day it's not about the approval of others, but the acceptance of myself.

For years I have battled depression, insecurities and my body. I've put my mind, body and soul through enough. In the early part of 2014 I made the choice to begin repairing the damage 31 years had done to me. 

I went back on medications. I saw a counselor. I made peace with grudges and demons that held me back. My mind and soul aren't perfect but major strides have been made putting me in a better place.

Now it is time to work on my body. I am ready to face the challenges that lie ahead and take back my physical health. Surgery or no surgery,  it was not going to be easy. I just wanted to help aide in my success and saw how fantastic my parents felt after their surgeries. It was in April of 2014 I knew it would be the best choice for me. 

Now here we are in late September ... and just a month away I am ready to begin this new chapter. I am ready.

It would have not been so easy if it wasn't for the amazing outpour of support I have received. So thank you ... from the bottom of my heart. And to those who are still cautious about this or feel I'm taking the easy way out ... I understand where you're coming from. More than you know. I can only hope that through conversation and this blog I can help you better understand my reasons and situations.

I love me again,  and it is time to show my body I love her again too.

Time to take my health back!

Okay. While this hasn't been a secret I joked with people that I have told I wasn't going to make it Facebook official until I got a date. It is nothing I am ashamed of but I know there will be many with questions and concerns. Some even said that I shouldn't post it to FB for just that reason.

But you know what?  I want to better inform this who may have concerns I also want to show that this isn't a "quick and easy fix". It is a tool I am being given and I will still need to work at it for it to work.

Back in late April I made the decision to finally take more control over my health. After feeling defeated by diets and life style changes that just didn't quite work I went to my mom to discuss her Bypass Surgery.

She was very helpful in informing me all she had gone through. In 2011 she was given the tool to take back her health. She is now a size 4 and in amazing health. She is also now dealing with arthritis in her back.  Had she been heavier this may had been a terrible situation. Thankfully she is healthy and can work on managing her back. It isn't going to be easy but gosh I can't imagine her doing it at her weight 4 years ago.

I went through the steps and today I am excited to share I am going to have Gastric Bypass Surgery. I am being given a tool so when I do what I know what needs to be done ... it actually works.

I am excited to begin this new chapter that will make me healthier and happier.

Believe in the best

This is a mantra that is new to me, in the sense I have only been trying to abide by it for the last few years.

I don't remember when I first heard it, but it wasn't until a My Little Pony episode was on that I took real notice (yes, I watch MLP with my daughter ... and I am not ashamed to admit I like it just as much as she does.  I'm totally a Pinkie Pie).

Twilight Sparkles wrote a letter in one episode that talks about "believing in the best of your friends, for they have your best intentions in mind".

It is not just true with our friends - but with most people.  I apply this with everyone I come across anymore - innocent until proven guilty, you can say.

It was once I started to believe in the best in people, that some of my insecurities started to dissapate (not all of them are gone ... but we're working on it).

By believing that when someone told me something ... did something ... or even't DIDN'T do something ... it wasn't out of malice or rudeness.  They more than likely had your best interest in mind when they made their decision.

I try to keep an open line of communication, no matter whom it is, if there is any doubt that perhaps they did something that wasn't the best (at least in my mind).  By being open with my feelings, and believing in the best - my outlook on life has improved dramatically.

Now - I'm still human and fall back into old habits here and there ;-)  But thankfully those who know me, take it as just that - and know how I really am.

Try it - believe in the best of people.  You'd be amazed on how much better you feel in just a few days ...

Thanks for reading,

Nichole
*Be the Thermostat - Not the Thermometer

It is time!

Hello to all my readers (or people visiting)!

It has been a while.  And I apologize.

You know how much I actually miss writing in this blog?  A ton!

I still have no idea what direction this blog will take ... but the fact that I have all these ideas, topics, etc. that I want to share and then never do.  It's sad!

TODAY though, I made a consious choice to actively begin blogging again.

Part of it is to help reach my Relay goal (we are going to the Lake Steven's Relay this upcoming season, and I want to hit Grand Club)!

Part of it is to hold me accountable as I take steps in my newest journeys! (I'm vauge-blogging.  I know.  I'm sorry.  But I promise I'll tell you more when I know more!)

Mostly it's because I want a place to reflect ... share ... and perhaps be someone's ray of sunshine on that grey cloudy day.

In the past months of not posting here, a lot has changed!  I am happily married still (10 years now - woo hoo!), My children are growing up fast (TOO fast), and I am employed (a new employer, but nevertheless I have a job!)

Sometimes taking breaks from things we love is what is needed.  A time to charge your batteries ... get those juices flowing again ...

I'm looking forward to connecting with my readers once again as I write this new chapter in my life!  I am beyond the moon excited on where my life is headed.  Thanks for sticking around ;-)

An Open Letter

Dear family, friends, associates, and strangers,

I have not written in my blog for quite sometime.  Before I continue, I need to get something off my chest.

I have a confession to make: I hate not being in control.  I am sure that many of my friends and family are snickering as they read that last statement.

I have another confession to make:  I hate being drunk.  Not the "whee I'm having fun" tipsy drunk, but STUPID drunk.

My birthday was last weekend, and I have had this pit in my stomach all week over my behavior.  Many have just laughed it off, but others I can tell were turned off.  Even to the point, that walls are back up.

In my life, I try to to live without regrets.  The level of intoxication I had last week, was a regret.  I missed out on many fun things that could have happened.  Did other fun things happen instead? Sure.  There were some fun moments in there ... but some that I look back on and think "what the heck was I thinking".

So before I go any further with this letter, I want to tell those who were taken aback by my behavior: I am truly sorry.

I am especially sorry to those who I turned off with my rudeness and obnoxiousness.
I have met some extraordinary people in the recent years, and I would hate to jeopardize my relationships because of one night of stupid choices.  I am almost relieved those who did not get the notice about the bar change did not show up - so they did not see me in my rare form.  To those who did see me, thank you.  I appreciate you helping me celebrate (even if it was hard at points) my birthday.

I wish to reach out to hopefully a particular reader - if you're reading this ... I want to let you know that I am deeply sorry.  Not to get all sappy and crap, but I actually care about your opinion of me more than others.  More than people I have known for years.  In this short time, I have felt something that I haven't felt with many.  The ease of being able to just share my emotions and thoughts come easier when talking with you - it has helped me a great deal as I go through some of the roughest moments of my life.  I know you're guarded and unsure ... but I assure you that side of me you saw, will never come back out.  She was a reminder of what I don't want to be.  Obnoxious drunk Nikki is officially dead to me.

I'll be honest - am I done drinking?  No - of course not.  Because I know I am not this person that came out last weekend.  I am a responsible adult, who had a night of bad judgement (when it came to my drinking and limits).  I have shared bottles of wine and beer amongst friends and been fine.  I have had mixed beverages on a night out, and woken up the next morning just fine.

I am only human.  Being human means I am allowed to feel remorse and embarrassment.  This is how I feel, and being an adult I'm owning up to it and moving on.

This will be the last time I talk about this, and will only look forward to the future.

It's funny how God works sometimes - I'm tired of ignoring His signs, and my gut feelings.  It is time to grow, be successful and excel at this life given to me.

I thank each and everyone of you who has stuck by me through thick and thin - you are the reason why I am who I am today.  I will only be stronger because of my experiences.

I hope you'll continue to follow me as I continue on this crazy journey we call life.

Thank you again,

Nikki
Be The Thermostat | Not The Thermometer

Thankful

First - my apologies for not posting more.  Life has definitely gotten crazy with school and work, that things have fallen off my plate.  Including posting here.  I intend to not neglect my poor blog for so long again.

However I wanted to share my thoughts on an upcoming social media tradition of mine that I snagged off a friend many years ago.

Every November many friends also pledge to do the same.
Every November many friends argue that we don't do this enough, and it's silly to dedicate a month for it.

I'm talking about, through social media, giving thanks daily in November.

The argument I hear, is that we should be giving thanks everyday.  That just because it's November it shouldn't be the reason to all of a sudden give thanks.

What I would like to point out, at least in my own defense, is that just because I'm not on a public platform (like Facebook) giving thanks does not mean I am thankful daily!
I give thanks in my daily prayers.
I give thanks in person.
I give thanks via message or text.

I feel that dedicating November to go out of my way to post a status regarding my thanks to something (or someone) helps raise awareness that we should be thankful for someone (or something) in our lives.  Many of us don't think about all we have, and be thankful for it.  Whether you thank God, or Buddha, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  Many of you have a roof over your head.  Many of you did not go hungry tonight.  Many of you are in decent health.

Many cannot say this for themselves tonight.

So remember to be thankful each day.  Thank a friend for their support.  Thank a relative for their love.  Thank a stranger for holding the door open.  Thank Jesus (or whomever you may believe in, if you do) for the food on your plate.

And don't be so quick to judge that people, like myself, all of a sudden start posting daily their "thankful's" on Facebook.  That person is just now sharing with you, the world, what they would have already been thanking for that day.

Thanks for reading,

Nichole
~ Be the Thermostat - Not the Thermometer ~

P.S. "Thankful's" <- Totally a word now ... you heard it here first, folks ;-)

"You're Welcome"

This phrase doesn't come easily for me.

When thanked for helping out, or being given praise for a job well done - my gut reaction is to respond with:

"No Problem!"

I'm not very good at taking praise.

My boss narks on me all the time about it.  Reminding me to take pride in what I'm doing, and to accept the thank you.  Maybe because in my mind, it's just the "normal" thing to do.  Like, why would I not help you out and make that phone call for you?  Or why would I not put in 110% of my effort into this report - it's my job, and I take my job seriously.

I view this as a weakness - not because I'm "too nice" (which I am) or because I'm a pushover (which I'm not, most of the time).  It's because what I'm beginning to learn is that you need to gloat.  You need to stretch out your arms and go "YES, I DID THIS PIE CHART.  AND IT IS AMAZING.  THANK YOU FOR THANKING ME!"

Okay, perhaps *not* quite that dramatic.
I believe being humble is good ... but allowing people to pat you on the back is necessary.  It reminds you that you're doing a great job.  That you're an awesome person.  And reassurance that you're doing the right thing.

Part of this derives from some confidence issues (People who know me, and read that are probably gasping - yes, I have some serious issues with my image and how I'm received.  No this will not stop me from being who I am, and the social butterfly that is my persona.  But I still will battle the doubts and negative thoughts that plague me from my teen years.)  It is all a work in progress, which I feel as each day passes it improves.

So, if you're like me, and next time someone says "Thank You" - remember that it's okay to say:

"You're Welcome"

And leave it at that.

Thanks for reading.
Nikki
~Be The Thermostat - Not The Thermometer~